Random permutations of thought

http://www.xanga.com/FracturedDestiny

Monday is the heretic of disquietude that laughs ever contemptuously in the face of leisurely quiescence

Sometimes I feel as If I am seeing life through a sTainEd gLaSs window.  External events in my life unfold  but it is as if I am not seeing the neutral or "true" state of things.  Life is refracted and fractured into a thousand pieces, colored by perspective - shadows of illusory play cast of the visage of my own awareness.  Kind of like how sunlight doesnt really look like sunlight through a stained glass window.  Instead, it is colored and filtered by the medium through which it passes.

There are different pieces of me - varying hues radiating with an iridescence that speaks of both the influence and fragment through which it radiates.  Various experiences, states of mind, thoughts and reactions - all serve as the components of the composite sketch that comprise the entirety of my percipience.

Sometimes when I react to things, or dont react to things, it is due to my understanding or in some cases lack of understanding about the situation.  Do not fault me for my fallibility.  Instead lend an ear to understanding and a voice to enlightenment.

Trace the lines, find the intersections.  Chide not the work of the artisan of life - for it is that which creates vision and the window into the soul.

Sometimes it seems as if efforts are fruitless and actions are to no avail. Being in somewhat of a depressive mood, and not having written any verse for some time, I decided to express myself via cadence:

-Futility-

A graveyard of dreams, an epitaph carved,
a grave of my own - the coffin my heart.
All broken pieces, soon crumbling to dust,
foiled in tin my hopes are to rust.

Fated to chance, now sadly adieu,
given to circumstances dance was put through.
Now only barren emptiness pervades,
madness the sickly sweet death-bringer invades.

If only a moment to understand fate,
surely would have been my destiny unmake.
Wondering what lost might nearly have been,
a stranger to me, now simply the end.

If only not painful and morbid could be,
the illusion of hope, now lifeless in me.
Fleetingly gone - so mournfully brief,
merely a temptress to entertain false belief.

Something must have happened on the way to heaven,
i think i fell off back at turn 11.
Futility’s rise, to hopes despair,
now comes the end, and i don’t really care.

Inexorably done, the word has been written,
enshrined on the tomb, ‘futile’ has been given.
the fountain of life is hope not wasted,
futility as all i seem to have tasted…

i stare at the ceiling with great intensity, my eyes wide to behold such a blatant aberration in aesthetics, my mind grasping at the geometric distortion of such angular incoherence that seems to conform to otherworldly physics.  i dwell for a time on the meaning of all this as the whimsical notion of structured processes tugs at the edge of my thought conscious like some long-forgotten dream.  my perception drifts periodically in and out of null state while time plods by in an agonizingly slow cavalcade of micro-magnified moments. 

it’s great to be back to work.

It is really quite peculiar, but while rebooting my computer, I came to a realization about the answer to the question that is often asked: "Would you rather love or be loved"?  (Talk about a non-correlating activity!)

It came to me that the difference between the two is that when you are loved, it is self-gratifying; but when you love, it gives you purpose.  Of course, both could ultimately be considered self-gratifying (being given a sense of purpose could be explained as self-serving in an altruistic sense) it just depends on where your focus is.

While love itself is a complex concept (covering everything from cross-sex relationships, to familial relationships, to something as quaint as chocolate!) I think this is a question that is generally posed in the romantic sense.

For myself, I would have to say that I would much rather love.  For it to be unrequited would of course be both tragic and time-wasting, but the deepest part of myself longs for the emotional fulfillment that it brings.  To find it reciprocated, and of great magnitidue would be a hope-beyond hope dream of near-statistical-improbability amidst a harsh landscape of tepid relationships and arrangements of convienence or obligation.

Another implication of the question is a that of emotional intensity.  Just as thrill-seekers seek to "experience life" by  experiencing extreme adrenal activities, a person that deeply desires to feel "love" is a person that needs to push the boundaries of their feelings for the sense of "alive-ness" that it brings.  In fact, it would not be surprising to find that the same individual subscribes to both characteristics. 

Just as someone who looks for stability desires security, so a person who desires to be loved appreciates the security of having someone who would go to great lengths for them.  In this sense, also is this differentiation a good indicator of personality type.

One downside for a person that would answer with the former, would be a person’s generally temperament.  I think that individual would for the most part tend to be unhappier, because they are usually either dealing with searching for someone to love, or dealing with unequal relationships with others.

Regardless of a person’s answer to the question, its a tough world out there for those that wish for the ultimate insensibility on themselves or others.  Good luck to all, because a great deal of luck is certainly needed to prevail…

To say that linguistic ambiguity obscures original intent would clearly be a misstatement

It continually amazes me the degree to which a service such as friendster, which is specifically designed to exploit the real-world approximation of relationships, can mirror the real-life duality of purpose for both good and evil. Often times, users are either delighted or aghast to find themselves confronted with the expectedly unexpected. Expectedly so, because somewhere at the back of your mind, you knew such a thing might be possible, yet unexpected that it could have happened to you. It begs the question, does it merely supplement that which already pre-exists, augments the ability to do so, or provides an artificial route that would otherwise not exist? In other words, is it really a reflection of reality, or something entirely different?

Train of thought to be continued after this commercial break…

what if the Tooth Fairy wasnt really a Tooth Fairy after all?  But instead was really a mad, mischievous little imp that likes to horde teeth and poops out quarters?  You never know because the Easter Bunnny could really be Santa Claus’ off-season job…

A thought on self-expression: 

Expression grants both structure to one’s innermost sentiments as well as vicarious consideration to one’s audience.  As such, this medium shall grant me a forum to both formulate and transcribe the musings that intermittently permeate my thought conscious.

I am highly given to a rambling nature, primarily owning to the fact that this is a reflection of my freeform recreational thought style (mind in relaxed state), but I will often times switch mode as dictated by emotional tone.

Don’t profess to understand a great deal, as often times I hardly do myself, but bask in the vermiculated ambiguity of my mental constructs.  Abstraction is my distraction.

As well to provide balance, my baser thoughts and reflections on the hideously banal shall, I hope, not bore you to tears, but such is the penalty for traversing upon my mind-space.

In summation, welcome to my point of view – try not to succumb too quickly to the aberrations of the mind…

Turgid indeed.